The Pat Hatter's Adventures with General Dentistry

This is going to be a quick break from my ongoing The Wire character rankings, just to get into something that's been on my mind.

I'm someone who could probably considered "overly paranoid" about my teeth. As far as their quality, they're generally fine. I won't be showing up in any Colgate commercials anytime soon, but they aren't really a detriment to the way I look either.  I am, however, concerned, that I've been growing more and more apprehensive about biting into hard foods (thicker baby carrots, apples, even some hard cookies, etc). As a kid, I used to actually bite through uncooked spaghetti and popcorn kernels, so I am definitely sensitive to this change. Does this happen to everyone else my age? I don't know.

Anyway, I've had my fair share of cavities and issues over the years. I grind my teeth relentlessly and have to wear a guard at night, and even had one of my teeth knocked out at age 12, so I've had a root canal done and redone. A couple have been chipped and repaired. Basically, even though there's been no irreparable disasters, I will often find out something is wrong after a visit to a dentist.

Of course, that often depends on which dentist I go to see.

Growing up, my parents had a lot of trust in our pediatric dentist, and I shared that trust. I saw him until I actually got out of college and started working, where I picked my own dentist for the first time (using what else, Google). It mostly went okay, but I clashed a bit with them when I went in for a cleaning and one of the two dentists wasn't in. The most important part of a cleaning for me is getting the "A-OK" from an actual licensed dentist, and I wasn't about to leave without getting that experience. It kinda rubbed me the wrong way that they didn't understand my concern.

I moved a few miles away and tried a new dentist, who instantly diagnosed me with six cavities (most of which, to my understanding, were minor). This made me furious. I sent sort some degree of a "WTF" e-mail to my apparently indifferent prior dentist's office, because there's no way all those cropped up in the six months since my prior cleaning. They responded defending their work, but I was convinced that I'd moved on, and for the better.

Then again, I re-thought things over the course of the next two years. My sister used this dentist as well, and we began to feel over time that he saw his patients as walking dollar signs. We felt he "over-treated" based on some basic mantra of "we're all about tooth preservation, here".  I ultimately moved on from Pricey McGougeface (the name really should have tipped me off) because I wanted to make sure that everything he was doing was actually necessary. The next guy I tried seemed good, but I shortly moved far away.

That brings me to my current predicament. I have seen my current dentist, Smiley McBlithe (lots of Irish dentists in this world, there are) three times for cleanings and each time he's told me that absolutely nothing is wrong. That, to me, seemed batshit bonkers, because I can't remember that ever happening before, and it's not like I take better care of my teeth now than I used to. After the third such visit, I decided it was time for a second opinion.

For this, I went to a small dental office that looked like it was basically just part of a residential apartment building. The guy, Energizer Pushyfingers, was a younger dentist but seemed to have a wealth of knowledge. He gave me a complete exam that lasted an hour and a half (doesn't this guy have anything else to do?).  He recommended:

• Two crowns
• Two fillings
• Seeing a specialist regarding an apparent extra tooth under my gums
• Consulting an orthodontist about completely re-working my bite
• Re-thinking my life as I know it

What the hell?

How can two different qualified dentists recommend such vastly different things?  What would you do here?

Me? Welp, time for a third opinion.

The third guy, Rushy Fast-Talker (went along with his wife on hyphenating, very progressive), had blocked off a half hour to speak to me. I discovered the appointment was scheduled as a "meet and greet" when I got there, but to my relief, the guy did actually spend about 5-10 minutes looking at my teeth. Though he didn't seem to have a wealth of time to talk through things with me, he was appalled by the second dentist's diagnosis and recommended mayyyyybbbee one filling but overall it was more of a "wait and see" situation.

He then asked me some questions about the second guy.

Rushy; "Was this guy some sort of corporate dentist?
Me: "I'm not sure."
Rushy: "Well, was he a younger guy?"
Me: "Yeah" Why in the world does that matter?
Rushy: "Well, what was the name of the business? Did the guy have his name on it?"
Me: "Uhhhh....." Come to think of it, it wasn't called 'Pushyfingers Family Dental Care'
Rushy: "See, that's what I thought. These corporate dentists have to meet certain quotas, so they tend to prescribe treatment when the situation doesn't necessitate it."

Wait wait wait....what???

Okay, I'm not totally naive. I understand there are dentists out there in the world, like McGougeface (whose name WAS on the business), that are trying to terrify me into thinking my teeth are dying and are trying to rook me for all me and my insurance are worth, but now you're telling me there's gigantic networks of offices across the country for which treating people like that is corporate policy????

That news is most unsettling. (Is it news? Did everyone else know about this and just wasn't telling me?) Can't we just have universal standards of dental treatment where everyone agrees on what's a problem and what isn't?

Yeah, I understand why that's impossible. The unfortunate truth is that we must choose who we trust to take care of our teeth. The problem is that we're woefully under-qualified to do so.